The Ten Commandments of Pitch
I. Thou shalt not engage in a bidding contest when thy opponents provoke thee, but causeth thou to carefully consider thy cards, lest thy partner shall tear his hair out and go slowly mad in his attempt to decide what manner of play this is.
II. When thy heart longs within thee, gaze not long upon the widow whilst holding useless cards in thy hand lest in thy weakness thou shalt find thyself gazing also at thy partner with a pitiful look whilst holding twice as many useless cards.
III. Prove to thyself the rank of the Joker thou holdest in thy hand lest when thou loseth it whilst attempting to capture a larger Jack the wrath of thy partner might not come down upon thy head.
IV. Tarry not amongst those infidels who knowest not the proper order of the Jacks for they are: Main Jack, Big Joker, Off Jack, Little Joker in that order. Thus it is and thus has it always been.
V. Thou shalt not talketh across the board lest thy shins become bruised and tattered from the kicks of thy opponents and thy countenance shall surely fall.
VI. Take care that thou removest the deuce of trumps and holdeth it after the round hath been played lest thy opponents attempt to lay hold to it, for they are surely a persistent lot and will draw short of nothing to defeat thee.
VII. Measureth carefully the speed with which thy partner playeth his Jack on your lead King and be diligent in thy attempt to discern grief in his eyes, for although you long for him to hold the Ace, alas; he may have no further trump. He is only a mortal and hath no control over the cards.
VIII. When thy hand runneth over with cards of excellence, droppeth not the seventh card on the floor. But alas, thy opponents shall declare a misdeal though no harm be done.
IX. When thy Queen is high and thy four is low and thou makest a bid greater than four, boast not, but causeth thee to pause and give thanks for surely the Lord hath delivered thee from thy foolishness.
X. Beware the circle around thy score for if the contest be finished and thy score have never been uncircled thy opponents will jest of thee and make foolish motions of bad smells and speak to thee of the skunk.
Related, but significant, afterthought
Thou shalt not kill thy partner when he biddeth and maketh it not unless the score shall be in thy favor and it be twenty to ten or less. Then thou mayest not kill him but only causeth him to be in much pain, lest the authorities who understandeth not the graveness of the situation shall, in their foolishness and worldly ignorance, incarcerate thee.
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I stood one day surveying, for the first time, the ruins of the old fort St. Joesph, on that beautiful peninsula, which guards, like a crouching lion, the entrance to St. Mary’s River. There was the old road, the crumbling walls, the gun emplacements, and the most impressive of all, some gentle garden flowers, which have wasted their fragrance on the desert air of over a hundred years; a gentle but sure reminder of the place where human beings lived. There mail symbols of the past drew me into a reverie of retrospection and I saw in fancy the old fort of 1812; I saw men in the scarlet and blue of the British Army, men in blankets and leather stockings, men rough and unkept called voyageurs, and I saw women and children. I heard the blast of the bugle, the tramp of men and the jumbled sounds of a human community. But then, what’s the use of daydreaming? Fancy may be far from fact.
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